Team Twilight Saga Parody sort of
by TeamJaneVolturi
Summary: A parody... sort of, of the Twilight Saga...
1. Charlie the vampire hunter

**I'ma try writing a parody and see how it goes...**

**I do not own Twilight.**

"I'm tired." I whined to Charlie who was sitting on the couch next to me reading the newspaper.

He looked up alarmed. "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET IN HERE?" He screamed his eyes bulging out of his head.

"Bella let me in." I answered simply.

"Bella doesn't live here!" He screamed again.

"Calm down." I continued to whine. "Does it really matter how I got in. It's not like I'm going to kill you... My last human was a LONG time ago."

At least I think she was a long time ago. It's pretty hard for a vampire to keep track of time.

"You kill humans?" Charlie asked calming down slightly.

Why was he calming down? That was weird.

"NO_!_" I was shouting this time. "I kill animals.... You aren't a grizzly bear are you? Because if you are, I REALLY vant to drink your blood."

"Let me get this straight..." He muttered. "You're some kind of blooddrinker?"

"DUH!!!!" I screamed. "YOU FINALLY GET IT!!! I swear you humans are STUPID!!!"

"That was RUDE!!" He screamed.

"So?" I asked confused.

"You need medication." He told me.

"No I don't." I argued.

"Well lets just see about that!" He shouted pulling out a bottle of little red pills.

"You carry pills around with you in your pocket?" I asked amazed.

"Doesn't everyone?" He asked slightly confused.

"No...." I mumbled.

"I have a slingshot too." He said pulling one out of his pocket.

Then he loaded it with the little red pills and flung them at me. I let out a high pitched scream.... which was probably a bad idea. They went straighgt down my throught. I immediately felt sleepy. Stupid drugs. Everything went pink.

-------------------

I woke up in a cage. A cage? I tried to break the bars and get out. UGH!! They wouldn't break. Stupid kryptonite!!! How did Charlie know?

Suddenly Charlie stepped out of a shadow. "I know what you are Emmett Cullen."

"WELL DUH!!" I said sarcastically.

"I am Charlie... The vampire hunter." He announced.

"Oooh so scary." I muttered sarcastically.

"Yes...yes I know." He said smuggly ignoring the sarcasm.

"Can I go?" I asked.

"No... I'm going to kill you." He told me.

I stared at him.

"How are you going to do that?" I asked amazed.

"Rip you to peices then set them on fire. DUH!!!"

"I know that." I sighed. "But how exactly are you gonna tear me up. I'm not exactly soft and pink..."

"I know that." He snarled. "Jacob!!" He called into the shadows.

Out walked Jacob.

"You!!!" I cried jumping back.

"Hey bloodsucker." He said quietly.

"Hellow dog." I greeted him.

"I'm going to kill you now." He said sauntering forward.


	2. Alice sees Emmett

**I hope I can make this one funny**

**I do not own Twilight or Hannah Montana.**

**Alice's POV**:

"We have to go save Emmett!" I screamed suddenly coming out of my vision.

"Why?" Jasper sighed polishing his army badge.

"Charlie has him locked in a cage." I announced.

"Really?" Bella shouted. "I wondered what that cage in our basement was for."

"I don't see why we have to save him." Edward mumbled. "Can't we just send Carlisle to do it?"

"No! I wanna save Emmy Wemmy!" Rosalie shouted.

Then I had a vision:

_Emmett was still in the cage._

_Why didn't he just get out already?_

_Wait... it's made out of kryptonite._

_"Don't!!" Emmett screamed hysterically. "I don't want to die!!!"_

_"Aww that's too bad." Jacob told him sarcastically. _

_"You wait untill Alice sees this!" Emmett snarled. "I'll have my family all up on you."_

_"I've got a huge pack on my side... plus your precious fortune teller bloodsucker can't see werewolves remember." Jacob taunted._

_"Oh CRAP!" Emmett growled backing away._

I came back into the present on the floor.

"What happened?" I groaned looking around.

"You passed out and started screaming about how Jacob was going to kill your Emmett." Edward said helpfully.

Oh crap. I had said MY Emmett.

"Your Emmett?" Rosalie snarled running back through the door from the kitchen.

"What were you doing in the kitchen?" I asked changing the subject.

"Nothing." She mumbled going pink.

How the Heck was she blushing? I thought she was a vampire.

I darted past her and ran into the kitchen. Laying on the counter was a potato that looked suspiciously like Emmett.

"What's this?" I asked as Rose ran into the room behind me followed by the rest of the family. Well except for Emmett.

"NOTHING!!" She said loudly turning pink again.

Then a loud high pitched scream filled the room. I looked around and went into vision mode again.

My vision:

_Emmett was still backed against the cage._

_"Hey dog!" He shouted. "Why don't you come in the cage and kill me?" He teased._

_"I have a better idea." He called back._

_Then Hannah Montana walked down the stairs singing Who said. And her eyes were red._

_"What's she going to do?" Emmett continued to tease. "Sing me to death?"_

_"Nope!" She called in a high pitched annoying voice. "I'm going to drink your blood."_

_"Well then what was the use of having Jacob here?" Emmett asked Charlie._

_"He stinks doesn't he?" Charlie asked smirking._

_"That's RUDE!!" Jacob screamed. "Yall are just jelous because I turn into a werewolf and got hair in places first!"_


	3. Rose's creation

**This one might actually be funny.**

**Please comment.**

**I do not own Twilight**

**Rosalie's POV:**

Alice came back into reality.

I hoped she forgot all about my Potato Emmett.

"So what IS that anyway?" She asked pointing to Potato Emmett.

"Nothing." I mumbled again.

"Why does that potato look like Emmett!?" Jasper asked laughing.

"It does!?" I asked faking surprise.

I don't think they bought it though.

"Is that his hair?" Edward smirked.

"NO!" I said loudly. Even though it really WAS his hair.

"Yes it is." Alice announced feeling the hair.

"DON'T TOUCH IT!!!" I screamed. "But it-it's not mine.... I'm just saying whoever DID make it probably wouldn't want you to touch it." I added quieter.

"Sure." They all said simultaniously rolling their eyes.

"It's true!" I said, a slight hint of hysteria in my voice. "It isn't mine."

"Then why does it say 'property of Rosalie'?" Bella asked.

I was quiet. What could I possibly say?

Then there was that high pitched scream again. I was the only one who really knew where it was coming from.

"What IS that?" Bella asked annoyed.

"My Potato Emmett." I mumbled so quietly I could barely hear myself.

They all burst out laughing.

"Your POTATO EMMETT can talk?" Jasper laughed.

"Well almost.... I'm waiting for the transformation to be complete."

"What transformation?" Bella asked quietly.

Then my Potato Emmett jumped up on it's french fry legs.

"Umm, that transformation." I informed them.

"What's it doing?" Bella asked.

"I have a name you know!" Potato Emmett shouted up at them.

"What is it?" Alice asked supressing a laugh.

"Emmett, Duh!" He called.

"Hellow Emmett Duh." Jasper called down.

"Smart!" Potato Emmett snarled.

Then he jumped up and bit Jasper's arm. His red eyes wide open.

"OW!!" Jasper shouted. "Get this thing OFF me!"

Edward jumped forward and tried to yank my Potato Emmett off of Jasper's arm.

"STOP IT!!!" I screamed. "YOU'RE GOING TO HURT HIM!! Come here Emmett." I called.

He let go of Jasper and jumped into my hands.

"Let's go save the big non-potato Emmett." I announced.


	4. Save Emmett

**Sorry for not having a lot in the last three chapters...but....I had writer's block. And it's not really THAT funny.**

**And after they save Emmett the whole plot is gonna change and it will be funnier.**

**I do not own Twilight or Hannah Montana.**

**Bella's POV:**

So...we were going to save Emmett. The only problem with that was; we were going to MY old house. With MY dad, who was probably looking forward to killing me.

"I have a problem with that!" I announced. "He is MY dad after all." I said voicing my thought.

"We can kill him before he kills us." Jasper offered.

I rolled my eyes.

"I think Bella should stay here." Edward piped up. "It'll be much safer."

"NO!" I shouted starting to pout. "It's not like Jacob's going to kill ME.... or Nessie."

"Well maybe Jacob won't, but that doesn't mean Hannah Montana's going to have mercy." Alice announced cheerfully.

"What does Hannah Montana have to do with anything?" I asked.

"Didn't I tell you?" She asked smiling. "Hannah Montana is the one who is gonna kill Emmett."

"NO WAY!!!" Rose shouted. "I'm a kill that...." She growled loudly.

"Have fun with that." Edward laughed. "She somehow got turned into a vampire."

"I was going to say that!" Alice pouted stomping her foot.

"Well are we going to go get him or not?" Rose's Potato Emmett called up from her hand.

"I'm coming." I said. "And I think we should bring potatos with us."

"Aren't I enough?" Potato Emmett called up irritated. "Why do we need more potatos?"

"We can throw them at Hannah." I offered.

"Fine." Potato Emmett pouted.

-------------------------

"We're to take my Emmy Wemmy back!!!" Rosalie shouted bursting through my old basement door.

"Rosie!" Emmett shouted joyfully from behind the bars of the kryptonite cage.

"I've got it." Potato Emmett shouted jumping from Rose's hand.

He ran to the cage and jumped through the bars. He started trying to rip them apart. Amazingly the bars moved slightly.

"NOOO!!!" Charlie screamed watching as the bars were slowly ripped apart. "That's not possible. Vampires aren't supposed to be able to break kryptonite!"

"Maybe not NORMAL vampires." Rosalie called to him. "But vamptatos can break ANYTHING." She added smuggly.

"What the heck is a vamptato?" Charlie asked viciously.

"That." I said pointing to Potato Emmett.

"Come on!" Potato Emmett called running through the door with the non-potato Emmett at his side.

Jasper ran through the door after him yelling; "Goodbye Miley Cyrus!"

"NO!!!" She screamed in horror. "My secret is ruined!!"

Then she started to melt into a puddle.

"I'm melting!" She screached. "I'm melting!"

After Rose ran out Hannah Montana was nothing left but a puddle of Miley and a blond wig.

Edward rushed me out just as I saw Charlie chasing after us.

We locked the door and ran out into the Fork's night.

We reached the Cullen/Hale houshold, not even close to being out of breath.

"What the heck is that potato that looks like me?" Emmett said pointing at Potato Emmett.

"That's Potato Emmett." I informed him. "He's a vamptato."

**Okay... that plot is over....the next one should be funnier...hopefully.**


	5. CullenHale public chatroom

**Okay....Here's the Cullen/Hale Public chatroom.**

**Everyone has usernames so here they are:**

**Edward~Hottest Cullen**

**Bella~Newborn vamp mother**

**Jasper~Major hot blondie Whitlock**

**Emmett~Bear-boy**

**Rosalie~The real hot Hale**

**Carlisle~The Volturi SO want me**

**Esme~1st Vamp mama**

**Jacob~Big Dawg**

**Mike~Mr. Fig Newton**

**Nessie~Half-blood**

**Jane~Ms. Mental pain**

**Aro~I-know-your-every-thought**

**Marcus~The quiet one.**

**Alice~I-have-kewl-visions**

_The Volturi SO want me has logged on._

_The Volturi SO want me: I AM alone....ugh!_

_Ms. Mental pain has logged on._

_Ms. Mental pain: Ugh! You r 2 far away from me 2 make u think u r on fire._

_Hottest Cullen has logged on._

_Half-blood has logged on._

_The quiet one has logged on._

_I-know your every-though has logged on._

_Half-blood: Daddy, what's up with your username?_

_Hotest Cullen:Well it's true._

_I-know-your-every-thought:What about Carlisle?_

_The Volturi SO want me: See my username is true._

_The quiet one: Oh yes it is!_

_The hottest Cullen:...._

_Bear-boy has logged on._

_The real hot Hale has logged on._

_Bear-boy: Hey whazzup?_

_The real hot Hale: Anyone have any twizzlers? I have the need for sugar._

_The Volturi SO want me: Me 2._

_The Volturi SO want me has logged off._

_The real hot Hale has logged off._

_Mr. Fig Newton has logged on._

_Mr. Fig Newton: Can me and Emmett have some privacy._

_The hottest Cullen:....Okay...bye..._

_The hottest Cullen has logged off._

_The quiet one has logged off._

_I-know-your-every-thought has logged off._

_Half-blood:I don't want to know._

_Half-blood has logged off._

_Ms. Mental pain:I'm not leaving._

_Bear-boy:Whatever...you're just going to hurt yourself._

_Mr. Fig Newton:Yeppers._

_Ms. Mental pain: I'll take the risk._

_Mr. Fig Newton: Whatever._

_Bear-boy: So Mike...you said you needed help with Tyler...how so?_

_Mr. Fig Newton: Well...I think he's cheating on me with Jessica...._

_Ms. Mental pain:OKAY. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH!!!!_

_Ms. Mental pain has logged off._

_Bear-boy:...Anywayz... what makes you think that?_

_Mr. Fig Newton: He keeps spending all his time with her....and yesterday I caught them making out._

_Bear-boy: Are you really that stupid? Of course he's cheating on you! He was freaking makin out with her!_

_Mr. Fig Newton: When I asked him what he was doing he said he was performing CPR._

_Bear-boy...._

_Bear-boy has logged off._

_Mr. Fig Newton: I feel so alone._

_Mr. Fig Newton: :( I lost Tyler to a GIRL!!!_

_Mr. Fig Newton has logged off._

**Okay...so I'm not sure that was exactly funny...but...I tried...**

**Maybe the next one will be better....**

**Maybe.....**


	6. Phase mixup

**Thanks for the awesome comment Ashleighbabe.**

**Here's another chapter.**

**I do not own Twilight**

**Jake's POV:**

I was heading down south, trying to steer clear of the border. That was where I was supposed to be stationed. We found a weird scent and wanted to check it out. I was in wolf form; of course. I patrolled there for the whole day, not finding anything. And according to Embry, Seth, and Quill's thoughts; neither did they.

**The next day:**

"Hey Jake, where we going to patrol now?" Seth asked excitedly.

I shrugged. "I don't know yet. Maybe we should take a day off until we smell anything abnormal again. They could have just been passing through."

"Maybe...." Quill sighed. "Or maybe we actually WILL get to kick some vamp butt."

"Don't get your hopes up." Embry sighed. "I don't smell anything."

Then suddenly I was shot across the face with the worst smell ever!!! Then I phased. At least I THOUGHT I did.

Embry: _Dude what's wrong with you?_

Me:_ What do you mean?_

Seth: _You aren't a wolf._

Me: _Of course I am._

Quill: _No you aren't your a kitten._

I ran over to the nearby stream. I looked in at my reflection. I WAS a kitten. I cute little fuzzy kitten. I had top of my head was covered in black fur, and the rest was brown. I meant to scream, but ended up just mewing loudly. Then I turned around and saw three large dogs above my head.

Embry:_ Dude, phase back. Quick!!_

Quill:_ Yeah, my instincs are starting to take over._

Then before I could think a response I heard a deep growl in Seth's chest. I fealt my soft kitty hair stand up on my back. Then Quill let out a bark. I ran like crazy. Then somehow we crossed the border. I don't think this mattered much though, because the bloodsuckers broke the treaty before.

**Emmett's POV**:

I was wandering around in the forest hand in hand with my Rosie when I heard a whole lot of barking and frantic cat meowing.

"What's that?" Rosalie asked looking around.

Then a small brown kitten ran into a clearing followed by three werewolves.

And I thought they couldn't act anymore like dogs.

"What are you three doing?" I called walking over.

All three of them immediately looked up then ran behind a tree.

I stretched my hand out to pet the cat, but it hissed at me and ran behind another tree.

"What was that about?" Rose asked appearing next to me.

Then all three of the werewolves (Quill, Embry, and Seth I think.) came out from behind the tree.

"That's Jake." Quill said laughing.

"No way." Me and Rosalie said laughing.

"It's not funny." Jacob announced coming back from around the tree.

"Yes it is." Embry pointed out.

"Why don't you turn into something else mutt?" Rosalie asked not able to stop laughing.

"Fine!" Jacob snarled and went behind the tree. "I'll try."

"Why did he just listen to YOU?" I asked Rose incrediously.

Rosie shrugged. "Maybe being a cat affected his brain."

"Well he's not a cat anymore." Seth announced seriously.

"Of course not." Quill said. "He's human."

"Not what I meant." Seth said pointing to something.

I looked over and saw a huge elephant.

**Jacob's POV:**

I was FAT. A HUGE FAT ELEPHANT!!

And what made it worse was the fact that everyone was laughing at me. Including my pack. Ugh!!!

I was going to have to be fixed. And fast. I was going to have to go to Sam.

I went back behind the tree and phased back. Then took off at human speed to the Uley house.

"SAM!!!" I called as I burst through the front door.

"I'm in here." He called from his living room.

"I have a problem!" I announced. "I keep phasing into everything BUT a wolf."

Sam yawned. "You're boring me. And I don't really care. Go ask Carlisle the parasite doctor. OOOOOHHHH GO AWAY, OPRAH'S BACK ON!!!!"

"Which one is it?" I asked excitedly. "I LOVE Oprah!"

"It's one about Mani/Pedis." He said bubbly.

"OOOHH!!!" I squealed. "Too bad I have to go."

-----------------------------

"Yo, Doctor Fang!" I called through the Cullen/Hale house.

"Yeah?" He said from the kitchen.

"What are you doing in here?" I asked.

"OH NO!!! YOU AREN'T COOKING NESSIE ARE YOU?" I asked worried. It seemed just like something he would do while Bella and Edward were gone.

"No!" He said apparently shocked I would assume such a thing. "Now what's your problem."

"I keep changing into the wrong thing." I told him.

"Then go shopping." He suggested. "Alice'll go with you."

"I meant I keep PHASING into the wrong thing."

"Oh!" He realized. "You should have just said that. Eat this." He said handing me a peice of bacon.

"Why?" I asked.

"Just do it if you want to be able to change back into a wolf again." He commanded.

"Fine, sassy." I growled snatching the bacon and eating it.

Then everything blacked out.

**Bella's POV:**

"What did you do to Jake?" I asked walking into the kitchen and seeing him laying on the floor.

"Oh, I gave him some medicine to fix his abnormal shapeshifting." Carlisle replied easily.

"So that's why Alice could see him." Edward realized.

"Okay...so when is he gonna wake up?" I asked.

"I WOULD know." Alice snarled walking down the stairs. "But he HAS NO FUTURE!!"

"What did you do to me you PARASITE!!!" Jake screamed as he woke up. He then ran out of the house.

**Please reveiw. **

**This is the longest chapter I've ever written. **

**Your reviews make me smile :D**


	7. The voices tell me things

**Thank you again for another AWESOME comment Ashleighbabe.**

**Please add more comments people please!**

**Please no one take offense. **

**I was talking with my friend at the time and well....yeah...**

**I do not own Twilight.**

**Oh, and by the way this is Edward talking to "The voices in his head"**

**Edward's POV:**

_Edward: I have a secret to tell you all. I tell everyone I can read minds but....I've really only been listening to you guys._

_Carmen: We know that Edward; we are in your head after all._

_Harry: I didn't know that. SO YOU'VE BEEN LIEING TO US?_

_Jason: I think you should tell them the truth. _

_Rachel: No way! They'll all just hate you._

_Edward: Rachel's right._

_Jason: No she isn't._

_Harry: I need help with my homework!!!!_

_Carmen: Shut up Harry!_

_Rachel: I am SO right Jason and you know it!_

_Jason: Are not!_

_Rachel:Are too._

_Jason: Not!_

_Rachel: Too._

_Harry: SHUT UP, I"M TRYING TO FINISH MY GEOCOLOHERYTEROLOGY!!_

_Carmen: That doesn't even exist Harry._

_Edward: Does too, I have it after fourth period!_

_Carmen: Edward that would be FIFTH period._

_Edward: NO!!! It doesn't have a period name!_

_Carmen: THAT'S LUNCH!!!!_

_Harry: Speaking of hippos, I'm hungry._

_Rachel: Two things Harry. 1) We weren't talking about Hippos!!! and 2) You're a freaking vampire, you can't eat!!!!_

_Jason: That was RUDE!!!_

_Harry: NO!!!! I'm a ZOMBIE!!! I crave your human flesh._

_Edward: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEPPPPPPPPPPPPPP_

_Harry: I wanna kiss a hippo._

_Carmen: Why a hippo?_

_Edward: Because they're awesome DUH!!!!_

_Rachel: Edward you should eat all hippos to shut him up!!!_

_Jason: That's MURDER!!!_

_Harry: You have it mixed up!!! I EAT things. _

_Edward: And all I do is drink their blood._

_Jason: Bella's HOT!!!_

_Harry: You just now noticed?_

_Carmen: Well I prefer Jasper!!!_

_Rachel: HA! I like Emmett!!! What now!!!_

_Edward: Would you all stop talking about my wife and family!!!_

_Harry: One more, Rosalie is HOT!!!_

_Jason: If he gets to say one then I do TOO. Alice is tiny and CUTE!!!_

_Edward: That's it, I'm leaving!!!_

**Rosalie's POV:**

I was going to show Edward my new vamptato I swear. I had no idea he was sitting in the middle of his room talking to himself. But then it was too funny to leave.

"What are you doing?" I asked loudly after he had finished talking.

He spun around. "Nothing!" He said too suddenly.

"You're hot!!!" He shouted at me.

I was taken aback. I was his sister after all. AND he was married. So was I.

"SHUT UP HARRY!!!" He screamed at himself.

I slipped out of his room quietly.

**Still no offense.**

** But if you haven't been able to tell so far: I don't really like Edward. **

**I like Jacob, but i thought the last chapter would be funny...**

**More commenting please!!!**


	8. Airheads!

**Thank you again Ashleighbabe!**

**Your comments make me happy :D**

**I do not own Twilight....or Airheads.**

**Vamptato 1/Potato Emmett's POV:**

"I want an AIRHEAD!!!" I bellowed up at Rosalie.

"I don't have any airheads, I don't eat." She told me calmly. "Plus, you know how you get when you're on a sugar rush."

"I'll behave." I lied.

"No he won't!' Edward called from out in the hallway.

"Says the voices in your head." I called back smirking.

"So?" He asked.

I stuck my mashed potato tounge out at Rosalie. "I want an airhead!" I screamed. "Go get me a whole lot of airheads!"

"No!" Rosalie said sternly then kicked me out of her room.

------------------------

Okay, so they were all out hunting. I had been asked to go too, but I didn't want to. I was going to sneak out and get airheads!!! There was a store right down the street, I could go there. All I had to do was not think about it, and keep changing my mind.

I snuck out through the window, and made my way down the street. I eventually made it there. It took longer because I had to keep going back and forth.

First I had to make sure they couldn't see me through the cameras. I crawled up to all of them and licked the lense with my tounge. Which caused potato smears. Then crawled back down and ran to the candy isle. I nearly fainted at the sight of all the airheads.

-Cherry airheads.

-Watermelon airheads.

-Strawberry airheads.

-Blue raspberry airheads.

-Orange airheads.

-mystery airheads.

-Green apple airheads.

-and more.

I grabbed a plastic bag from behind the counter and headed back to the isle. I stuffed every single airhead in the bag and slipped back through the door. I ran home before they could get back. Then hid in Emmett's closet. Nobody ever went in there because it was such a mess. I stayed in there the whole time before they got home eating every single airhead.

"We're back." Carlisle called from downstairs.

I slid down the railing and in front of them. "Great." I said smiling with my mouth closed. I didn't trust it not to be multicolored.

"The store down the street was jst robbed!" Alice called from the living room.

Everyone including me walked in. There was a lady on the tv screen talking.

"-the theif only took every single airhead. We have no idea who could have done this because the camera lense was smeared with mashed potatos. Plus there was a series of potato crumbs leading in and out of the store."

They turned of the tv screen and looked at me.

"Did you do it?" Rosalie asked.

"No!" I lied trying to look offended.

"Stick out your tounge." Rosalie commanded.

I did so and I saw that my tounge was rainbow colored.

"You have to return the rest of those." Esme told me.

"I don't have anymore." I mumbled.

**If you're wondering why I used airheads, it's because I was eating one at the time.**

**Please comment :D**


	9. Jasper Jump

**Here's another chapter! **

**Thank you Nick56 and Ashleighbabe for commenting. :D**

**I do not own Twilight :(**

**But I AM writing a bunch of vamp stories to get published :)**

**I have another fanfic too: it's a crossover of Twilight and Spongebob! It's called Bella's REAL true love.**

**Jaspers POV:**

"I'm going to make an amusment park!" I announced as I walked downstairs.

"Why?" Alice asked looking up from the television.

"Because I fell like it." I retorted.

"Great reason." Edward muttered sarcastically walking past me.

"I'm going to call it Jasper Jump!" I continued. "Little kids can come and jump on those big blow-up thingys."

"Great idea." Carlisle said patting me on the back as he walked by.

"Well where are you going to have it?" Emmett asked.

"Follow me." I told everyone as I walked through the front door.

I made my way through the woods to a clearing by the road. Or at least it HAD been a clearing. I had built a large one story building with the words **_Jasper Jump_** painted on it.

"Wow." Was all Edward said.

I could feel everyone's emotions and they were all shocked.

"Just don't kill any little kids bro." Emmett said to me thumping me on the back.

I stuck my tounge out at him.

-----------------------------------

I had an add in the paper and it worked. Soon Jasper Jump was full of screaming little kids.

Good thing I had self restraint....that was until....

"Major Whitlock?!?!" I turned to see an extremely old man.

"Who are you?" I asked not recognizing him.

"General Jones." He said suspiciously.

I KNEW he looked familiar! He was my boss from when I was in the army. Oh crap.

"I'm sorry, I don't know who you are. I am related to some Whitlocks from back a long time ago." I lied hoping he'd buy it.

"You look JUST like Major Whitlock." He said. "EXACTLY how he looked when he dissapeared from the army."

"How have you survived all these years?" I asked him.

"I have my ways." He said. "And so you admit that you ARE Major Whitlock."

"No." I answered automatically.

"You just did."

That's when I attacked. We were in Jasper Jump at the time too. So I ended up killing him, popping all the blow up thingys, and mentally scarring a lot of kids. Then when someone called 911 I disposed of the body. But when the police came they brought an ambulance. Then the ambulance people called the health department when they found blood on the floor. Then Jasper Jump was shut down.

The whole time I just played inoscent, acting like some crazy blond guy came in and killed an old guy then dragged off his body with him. They actually beleived. The only problem with this was that I would have to hide all that from Edward and the voices inside his head.

**Okay. I didn't really find that one funny....**

**Please reveiw though :D**

**It was short too...**

**I'll make another one as soon as I can.....**

**Again thank you, and please do not be offended**


	10. Edward discovers the light bulb

**Here's another chapter!!! :D**

**Thank you for the support and comments Ashleighbabe and Nick56!!!!**

**I do not own Twilight....**

**Edward's POV:**

I was sitting on my bed in the dark when Bella walked in and it became light.

"HOW DID YOU DO THAT??" I asked amazed.

"Do what?" She asked confused.

How could she possibly not know what I was talking about?! Not everyone can just walk into a room and make it go all bright!! Did she have a gift she wasn't telling me about?

"Make it go all bright in here." I explained eagerly.

"The light switch..." She answered uncertainly.

"The what?" I asked.

"This." She said pointing to a little knobbly thing on the wall. Then she flipped it down and the room was thrown into pitch black darkness.

"WOW!!!" I cried out joyfully. "Do it again!!"

"Why don't you?" She asked cautiously then ran out of the room.

"Okay." I said to myself.

I walked over to the light switch and flicked it up:

then down

then up

then down

then up

then dark

then light

then dark

then light.

I looked up at the ceiling because that seemed to be where the light was coming from. There was like a little glass orb on the ceiling. I ran down the stairs and to the laundry room.

"What are you doing?" Esme asked as she saw me pick up the foot stool.

"I'm going to see how the glass makes the room go all bright." I answered. Wasn't it obviouse?

I ran upstairs with it then put it underneith the glass bulb. I climbed onto it and reached up to touch the glass.

"OWWW!!!!" I cried out in pain. The bulb was HOT.

I tried again and pulled it out quickly. The heat startled me again and I dropped the glass. It smashed all over the floor. So I ran down to the laundry room again and grabbed another. Then I ran upstairs and put it in the case thingy again. Then took it back out.

**Rosalie's POV:**

I was sitting next to Emmett when Edward came bounding downstairs with his hands behind his back.

"I discovered something!!!!" He shouted.

"What is it dear?" Esme asked.

"I call it, the GLASS LIGHT." He said pulling a light bulb out from behind his back.


	11. Can we keep him!

**Thank you for those Awesome comments Nick56 and xx-Eyes for Eternity-xx and Ashleighbabe. :D**

**If anyone has any ideas I would greatly appreciate it. **

**I have writers block right now so this one might not be so good**** :(**

**Nessie's POV:**

"OOOOH PUPPY!!!" I squealed pointing to the puppy across the street from our house. "Mom can we keep it?" I asked excited.

"No honey." She replied.

"WHY!!!" I whined.

"Three reasons." She said. "A) It's sunny outside and we all sparkle. B) It probably belongs to someone. and C) We all drink the blood of animals. How could we keep a dog in the house and not eat it?" She asked me.

And I knew how to deal with ALL of those comments.

_"_I don't sparkle." I reminded her. "I'm half human. If it DOES belong to someone they shouldn't let the puppy out without a collar. Plus I thought none of you would WANT to drink his blood because you say Jake smells bad, and HE turns into a dog. If you DO though I can keep him in my room. I won't eat him because I can live off human food."

"The answers No." Daddy said walking into the room.

"You never let me get a pet!!!" I cried and ran upstairs to my room.

**Bella's POV:**

"She want an animal again?" Emmett asked walking downstairs past Nessie.

"Yeah." I sighed putting my head in my hands.

"Why don't you just get her a pet?" Edward asked.

"Umm....let me think about that....oh yeah.... BECAUSE WE WOULD KILL IT!!!" I answered sarcastically. "Then she would be upset and blame us." Sometimes I wondered about Edward's brain.

"Well Carmen, Harry, Rachel, and Jason think you should get her the puppy." Edward announced.

"Who?" Esme asked walking in.

"The voices in my head!" Edward announced throwing his hands up in the air. "I keep telling you all about them. No one ever listens." Then he started crying and also ran to his bedroom.

I had made sure to put a covering over the light bulb.

"I think you should get her that puppy." Esme announced then walked out the room so that I was left with alone with Emmett.

"I don't know what to do!" I sighed.

"Ummm." Emmett said then slipped out the door.

"That was so helpfull!!" I called sarcastically after him.

**Nessie's POV:**

I didn't care what Mommy said, I was going to get that puppy no matter what.

That's why I snuck out in the middle of the night and brought him up to my room.

I fed him, watered him, and gave him a bath. Then we both fell asleep. When I woke up he was still asleep, but had somehow made his way to the underneath of my bed.

I walked downstairs and to the living room where everyone was sitting.

"I decided to get you a puppy." Mommy announced. "But, the one that was across the street wasn't there anymore. So I'll get you a different one."

"No thanks Mommy." I said turning around and running back upstairs.

The day passed on and I decided to name him Platypus.

Nobody found out about Platypus until Mommy asked if Jacob was here.

"Why would you ask that?" I retorted.

"Because it smells like dog in here." She announced.

"Oh." I replied and that's all I could say because Platypus came trotting down the stairs.

I KNEW I should have closed my door!!

"I thought I told you that you COULDN'T have that dog?" She asked.

"Well actually you said I COULD have him....just later on." I told her. "This is Platypus!!" I announced picking him up. "Can we keep him?"

**I don't know if anyone's going to like this one. **

**I love all the Osim comments pplz keep giving me.**

**They really inspire me....**

**Please Comment!!! :D**


	12. I'm a pretty princess on my lovely pony

**Yay! I'm finally back on with my Parody! I havn't written any comedy in forever so this one might be horrible. **

**Well...let's wait and see...**

**OOOH! Review please! They make me update faster!**

**Jake's POV:**

"I've got a puppy!" Nessie squealed running to me with a dog in her arms. "His name is Platypus."

I took a good look at that dog. "Platypus is a girl." I said bluntly.

Nessie let the dog down so that it could sniff around my shoe. It started to bark at me, so my instincts kicked in. I dropped to the ground and got in the same position as Platypus. With my head on the ground and my butt in the air. I started to bark my head off at that dog. Boy, was it annoying.

That's when Quil decided to walk in. "Oh look, Jake's got a girlfriend. You know you can die if you cheat on your imprint." He informed me smuggly.

I turned myself around and started barking at him. He smelled like...a dog.

**Edward's POV:**

"Look! A pony!" I squealed, jumping up and down and clapping my hands. "I wanna ride it."

I bolted over and plopped down on the horsey. It was really furry for a pony, but I didn't care, it just tickled. "Giddy up!" I shouted raising my hand over my head like I saw the awesome cowboys do on the magical box we had sittiing in the living room.

"Daddy!" Nessie cried pulling on my arm. "Get off of Jake!"

"Jake is a mutt." I called back to her over the blaring cowboy music Jason was playing for me in my head. "I'm riding a pony! Heeyaw!" I kicked my heels into the horsey and felt it buck.

"Woah!" I laughed with delight grabbing onto the fur on his neck. Good thing it was a shaggy horse.

The pony took off out the door and through the streets of Forks. I waved to everyone I passed like the pretty princess I always wished I could be growing up. I giggled and shouted in delight as the pony got faster.

Soon we were in the trees and it was dark. I started to cry, tears streaming down my face. "I want my Mommy!" I sobbed.

That's when I saw my Mommy pop out from behind a tree. Wait, that's not my Mommy, it was the Emmett vamptato! He had his buddies along and they looked hungry. I searched through my pockets for my spare bag of potato food. Rose told me to always keep it handy in case Vamptato Emmett decided to go on a rampage.

"Here, Tatey tatey taters!" I cried through chunks of butter at them.

They all stopped to lick it up, sighs of delight coming from their squishy mouths. "What are you doing!" The tiny Emmett screeched. "You're supposed to be having fried wolf by now! Mmm, butter." He bent over and started to lick up the butter too.

Wait? Wolf? NO! My pony was a stinky dog!

That's when I went over and stomped on Mr. Emmett Tater. Not really, I didn't have the guts to do that. Rose would tickle me to death.

Visions of being held down while tickled with a fluffy white feather filled my mind. I shuddered just thinking about it.

_Rachel: Suck it up. _

_Edward: But it's so hard to breath when you're laughing._

_Rachel: Hel-lo! You don't have to breath Moron!_

_Harry: Do you think Bella has any spare hippos lying around?_

_Edward: That's it! Hippos!_

**Srry it's so short. I'm a lil rusty. **

**If you comment and say the magic sentence (vamptatos love me!) I'll give you a hint of what the next two are gonna be about!**

**The writers block is gone! For now anyway. I can only think of two others. **

**So you better review fast cause the more reviews I get the more I wanna update. And if I don't get enough soon I may forget the ideas! Oh no!**

**But remember! **

**Platypus is always watching you! 0.0**


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